Frustrations

I apologise in advance for my grammar and semi-vulgar overtones.

My life has never been a good one, but the only person to blame for that is me. I am much more of a failure than I would like to admit. I cannot even understand what I mean by words anymore; what do I even consider a failure? My pretentious self is always telling myself that there is no such thing as a failure, for all is worthless; leading me to nihilistic thoughts which I find comfort in. Sometimes, I consider myself a nihilist; and other times, I am like this, crying over things I should not.

I get easily frustrated over my own inabilities and throw tantrums, often upsetting the people around me. I respect those people the most, although I always fail to make them realise that. I cannot even drop subtle hints because they never pick up on them.

I cannot find joy in anything anymore. Money cannot help me, I have seen poor people live more happily than me and I have seen rich people making merry at gatherings. The things I ‘think’ I find joy in, are nothing more than stupid things my pretentious, subconscious self thinks of. The truth is that I cannot find joy in anything anymore, the days just pass and nothing happens. Things only keep me ‘busy’ now and nothing is fun or thrilling anymore; and don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being busy. But the things that keep me busy are often the ones that end up hurting me even more when I am ‘done’ with them. At this point, I just tell myself to love the pain and frustrations involved, and it sort of helps. Most people of the 21st century just find joy in consooming media but I cannot even do that anymore. The only media I consoom are things that I had known before this phase of mine started. I cannot just sit and consoom anything new.

Another thing I have learnt from the past few months is that, the more you talk with people, the more pretentious you start to grow and I am no exception. I did not interact with people physically much until few months ago and I was way less pretentious back then. It is really funny once you think about how it is so easy to spot when someone is acting pretentious but then you act the same way and more often than not, people tend to realise it the same way you did it with them and nothing happens. It just continues to be this way, at least, in everyone’s post teen years. I can only observe as I do not possess the power and experience to change how things work. The only thing I can try to do is remain humble and not upset others. I want to destroy my pretentious self but I cannot do that unless I get rid of my pride and my greed at least, which is nigh impossible to achieve.

I cannot stay still, once I do, I start thinking of things that I do not really want to think. When someone fails to keep up with me, I get really annoyed and even if I don’t straight up tell them that, my body language does. When the same thing happens to me, I start feeling guilty and shaking this feeling of guilt off is not an easy task for someone who holds on to the minor things that happened an year or two ago and still gets frustrated over them.

I am super clumsy and cannot do most of the things that an average man can do with ease. I cannot measure to be even half the man my father is and I want to show him that I can at least be one-tenth of a man he is, before he goes away, for then, I shall not be able to do anything but sob.

The pursuit of doing anything that I find interesting for short terms have left me with nothing but half baked chunks of personalities mingled together. And note that the things I find ‘interesting’ are not the same as the things I find ‘joy’ in. I am not at all suicidal but I feel like I should have never existed. I have no personality and I despise people who pretend that they do when they clearly don’t.

The bottom line is my ideals, my desires, my goals and my interests are a complete mess and do not align with each other at all, similar to the axes of a four dimensional space. I am not sure why anyone would read this till the end, thank you for reading this short rant of mine. The person that I want to be, the person that I think I am, and the person that I really am, are very different as of now and I hope that I will be able to make them the same in the near future.